Tuesday, June 26, 2012
The boy you never wanted just steals your heart, ripped it out of your chest and trampled all over it. This is me being 100% heartbroken and crushed. But this is not a post to lash out at this boy. Instead, I wanna thank him. For this experience will make me wiser and stronger, I believe.
I've come
close to giving up but I stayed on. And now I'm walking away, not because I'm
giving up on this but because you have made your decision. I hope you made the
right choice and be happy with her always. Congrats Maddie, you've won.
Let me just
tell you this, Maddie. Not once have I ever thought ill of you, cursed you or
whatever. I just want to make it clear that I played fair throughout. There
were times when Halim and I could have kissed but I stopped myself, I stopped
him because you were constantly on my mind. I keep thinking "I can't do
this to another girl. How would she feel? This is wrong. Terrible." I
don't know why I bother to say this but I just have to. Maybe deep
down I'm hoping you'd realize that I'm not a bitch and maybe you can do me this
teeny favor of making all your social network accounts private so I won't see the gory
details of your newly awesome relationship with Halim. Truthfully, I wish that
you would have a great relationship with Halim. Although he broke my heart into a
billion pieces, I care for him enough to hope that you'll treat him
right. And oh, please don't cheat on him. And of course, if he's a terrible boyfriend, dump his ass! Goodluck & Take Care.
As for
Halim, thank you for this experience. You won't be easy to forget of course, but
I have to and I will do it.You're my
very first. Like a lot, you know what you've taken from me. I'd list them down but reminiscing them proves to be wayyyyyy too painful already.You're also my first true heartbreak. I've never thought
it was possible to like someone this much even after everything that has
happened. Countless of times I tell myself, no girl should have to stoop this
low for a guy. But with you, anything was possible, worth looking like a fool for.
Fuck. This
is hard.
The thing that bugs me the most is the fact that I gave you
so many opportunities to let me down easy. But each and every time, you push it
aside and reassure me. Reassured me and gave me hope "no, I haven't
chosen." "If I didn't want you, I won't be texting you much" "There were times when I tell myself, Haziqah is it. She's the one for me" "If you had told me
earlier, you would have been my girlfriend by now" etc. So of course now
when you say "I tried feeling like how I did before but I just can't seem
to find it", it hurt me ten billion times more. Because if you had been
feeling this way for some time now, you should have told me.
You should have
let me go and not created so many memories with me. I even remember telling you
"I don't know who you love, but when you've figured it out, you let me know,
you let me go" when I saw your tweet and you said "I love my family
and friends. Between Maddie and you, I don't know". And now you're telling
me "I've been trying to feel that way but can't seem to?" Now, you're
telling me your friends are saying "the earlier bird gets the worm?" So tell me, why did you
bring me this far and did all that you do to me? Why did you take my first(s)
when you know deep down you don't/can't find that feeling?
You simply wanted me to hang around. You didn't want to lose me as your friend. But I was fooled 'cause the way you treated me, it was definitely as more than friends. Basically, you led me on.And right now, I can't stay as your friend. You've brought me too far and I've fallen in too deep to just be friends. This could have ended differently. Had you took one of the many opportunities given to you, we could have stayed friends. But what is done is done. Now we move on from this. And you know me, Halim. I have to cut you off. Call me a bitch, sing that 'Somebody I Used To Know' song, do whatever you want. But this is how I move on. The saddest thing is the fact that I'm losing the guy I like AND a good friend. But I have to do this for myself. You've hurt me enough and I need to start healing and become stronger because of this.
You simply wanted me to hang around. You didn't want to lose me as your friend. But I was fooled 'cause the way you treated me, it was definitely as more than friends. Basically, you led me on.And right now, I can't stay as your friend. You've brought me too far and I've fallen in too deep to just be friends. This could have ended differently. Had you took one of the many opportunities given to you, we could have stayed friends. But what is done is done. Now we move on from this. And you know me, Halim. I have to cut you off. Call me a bitch, sing that 'Somebody I Used To Know' song, do whatever you want. But this is how I move on. The saddest thing is the fact that I'm losing the guy I like AND a good friend. But I have to do this for myself. You've hurt me enough and I need to start healing and become stronger because of this.
Do I hate
that I'm going through this? Yes, of course. Do I hate you for putting me
through this? Yes, I do. But at the same time, I am grateful that you're the
one I had this experience with. Because I wanna say you're 100% an asshole, a
mofo jerkface and all that but you're not all bad. You're a combination of
nice, charming, sweet and of course a pinch of jerk and asshole. But there were times where you surprised me and I knew that's why I
like you so much. These are the times that will make it so hard to move on but
you've made your choice and I have to let you go, for you and Maddie and for
myself too.
You know, how
I wish this is like one of the million books I've read. Where the girl likes
the guy, the guy likes someone else but then he realizes the girl is so awesome
and decides to choose her instead. But if that happens, my life would be a
fairytale. And as Maroon 5 says it, "All those fairytales are full of
shit"
And though
this is breaking my heart, I'll be okay.. I don't know how long I'll take to get over you, to find the strength in me to move on, to be that independent girl I used to be before you came along. But eventually, I'll do it. I'll survive. And please, don't say you'll think of me once in a while. Miss me, sure. But try your very best not to, because you have Maddie by your side now. Don't be unfair to her.
Don't despair, Halim. No point in regretting all that has happened. At the end of the day, we should just learn from our mistakes and move on. In the end, you've got what you've always wanted and that is Maddie. I just happened to be collateral damage. It hurts like fuck, yes. But I'll heal. This is all written, remember? I wish you all the best with Maddie. May you guys last long. And one day, if its meant to be, I might come back as your friend. But for now, goodluck and goodbye, my 1/3 spiderman, 1/3 vampire, 1/3 guy that I liked way too much.
Don't despair, Halim. No point in regretting all that has happened. At the end of the day, we should just learn from our mistakes and move on. In the end, you've got what you've always wanted and that is Maddie. I just happened to be collateral damage. It hurts like fuck, yes. But I'll heal. This is all written, remember? I wish you all the best with Maddie. May you guys last long. And one day, if its meant to be, I might come back as your friend. But for now, goodluck and goodbye, my 1/3 spiderman, 1/3 vampire, 1/3 guy that I liked way too much.
This is it. The End of a huge chapter in my life. I need to mourn this loss and start on my healing process.
"This hurts so much, to know that you're with someone else when you should be with me. It's just hard to accept that I can't be around.. She better be treatin' you good"~
xoxo, Haziqah.
& 12:38 AM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps