Monday, July 2, 2012
A week has passed.
Can I say I'm 100% okay? No.
Can I say my heart is all healed? No.
Can I say I have moved on? No.
Of course not. Afterall, it has only been a fucking week. It feels longer though.
There are days when I'm like singing and dancing to songs; being all "Fuck yeah, I'm a survivor. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm gonna get over you" Days when I'll wake up, put on some makeup and look in the mirror and be super confident like "Bitchplease, I am Haziqah damnit!"
And then there are days when I just feel absolutely awful and torn into pieces and shit. Days when I don't wanna get up from my bed and I mope around, crying my heart out, listening to the most depressing songs and reminiscing all the memories, asking myself "WHY YOU NO CHOOSE ME?" :(
Then there are days when I'm just angry. So very angry at you. I'll be all "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. What's your name again? Wait, I don't give a flying fuck. You're a jerk who only used me like a toy. You think with your dick and you're terrible and awful and I hate you. Fucking hate you" And I cannot see your name on my timeline. It drives me crazy. I'll get depressed then super angry because EVERYONE KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE TWITTER DAMNIT and I'm losing that too, because of you.
Or angry at myself. Because I should have known better. I should have known from the start that you were bad news. I should have saved myself from this heartache. I should have walked away when I could. I should have listened to my friends. I should have never let you in. I should have kept those walls up.
And then there are days when I miss you. I don't feel confident, I'm not depressed, I'm not angry but I just miss you. Miss having you around. As a friend, as the guy I like, as whoever whatever.
I wonder how you're doing.. I'm sure you're fine. I bet you're already moving on with her. Maybe you feel guilty but like prolly for a nanosecond then you divert your mind and attention to her or something. Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to. Truly, I'm happy for you two. I just can't help feeling so sad for myself. I wanted to avoid being hurt so badly but it still happened. I don't want the picture of you two kissing and happy in my mind. And I
try not to think about it but it haunts me. So, I cry and hope that my tears will drain my sadness from my body.
Gawwwwd, I feel very bipolar. I swear. I can be crying then smiling and laughing
then angry and punching the walls then sad again. Its ridiculous. But apparently, this is all normal. Like legit-ly people go through this when they are heartbroken and on the healing process. Its so weird but at least I know I'm not crazy :s
I feel
like I'm on a roller coaster ride and it just won't stop. It's hard la. This is truly very hard and I don't know how long this ride will be. Arrrrrgh. *starts playing my 'Moving On' playlist* This is going to be a looooooooong night. And if you happen to read this post, part of me hopes that you do, know that I'm still hurt and not over you, duhhhh toldya my feelings were like serious and shit. But also know that I will get over you.. Well, eventually. Some day soon, hopefully. And yes, you're still an asshole in my mind.
& 10:58 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps