Who I am (or who I thought
I ought to be) hates who I've been.
I try my very best
not to think about it because honestly, it makes me sick of myself. The thing
about this is, a part of me wants to forget it ever happenedso badlythat I do succeed. And if you asked
me, I can and I will confidently tell you “No, I've never done that
before”. And honestly, I believe my own words and I won’t even doubt myself….
until a random flashback occurs. And then I am forced to take a step back and
re-think. Like for example when I’m on the bus and suddenly, out of nowhere, a
flashback occurs and I’m caught off guard. This happened to me a couple of
times actually, and I was so overwhelmed and in such a major shock that I
started crying. It was so retarded.
See the thing is, I
think sometimes when you lie so well, with so much conviction, you end up
believing your own lie and you believe it to be the truth. But of course, it’s
not. Unfortunately, I am a pathological liar. And the person I lie most to is
the person I see every day, staring back at me.
It made me question
everything about myself. Am I that kind of girl? What are my values? What do I
stand for? What is my boundary? Do I not have one? There was once when I told
my friend that I have never looked in the mirror and just be so disgusted with
myself. But again, without realizing it (at that time), I was actually lying to
myself. And to her too. Because there have been times when I just cannot stand
being in my own skin. One of these times is when I remember all that happened.
I think it really scared me. No, I'm not talking about the thing that happened
though. Its more of how easily I can be influenced. How easily I sway and let
things happen. How easily I trust.
It’s like I am only
who I thought I am and want to be when I am not put in such a situation. Do you
understand what I’m trying to say? I think I’m confusing you, huh? Well, it’s
okay. I don’t really want anyone else to know actually. Because what's the
point? You will just judge me. And I know, I know. You’ll say “Don’t worry Haz,
I really won’t judge you.” But see, if I judged myself, how can you tell me you
won’t judge me? :s
A friend told me it’s
time to simply accept that it happened, regret it, cry about it and let go.
Trust me, I cried and I regretted it to the best of my ability already. I don’t
know what else to do about it. I mean, what CAN I do about it?Nothing. Absolutely nothing.