Saturday, September 19, 2015
Who I am hates who I am.
Its not easy to have a mind that absolutely hates your very being.
When you make a mistake, it never lets you rest. It replays over and over and over until you're sick to your stomach. And when this mistake affects someone else, and this person is hurt and takes a jab at you for your shortcomings, you have 2 people cursing at you.
And that quiet helpless side of you is just there. So guilty. So tired. So stressed out. Back then, I told myself I'll never let someone control my life, my emotions. But here I am again. I'm not strong enough for this. I lay here, watch your last seen change and wait for you to come back. I lay here, restless and helpless and can do nothing but let my tears roll down my cheeks. Falling sleep seems impossible. So I continue laying here, just waiting. Nothing I do work. My whole world stops. And I just wait. When I finally get the luxury of sleep, it's short naps. And I wake crying and repeating the routine.
I'm so tired. I don't get a break after a long rough week at work. I understand your anger. So this is my punishment. I have to just endure. This too shall pass.
& 3:47 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Sunday, August 9, 2015
I can cry when I stop to think about you. I don't understand how anyone can be so fucking ungrateful. I don't understand how you can expect so much, so unreasonably from every single fucking person but yet be so fucking useless. Not only do you NOT thank them, you have the audacity to shout and throw your tantrum like a little bitch. Like what the flying fuck. I know la you have mental illness. But I don't know. Is it really your mental illness right now? Or is this just you? Is this just who you are as a person? I don't know. It has been fucking years and I still don't know who you are. I cannot confidently say you are fine because you are not. I cannot confidently say you're sick because you are not. So what the flying fuck are you? I am not Abang Ziqq. I have no patience. I am not Tanish. I will not keep quiet. I am not Finaz. I cannot just shut you out. I am Haziqah and Haziqah always try to understand. But this is beyond me. So fuck you.
& 9:10 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Saturday, June 6, 2015
The Dentist.
The last time I went was like 7 - 8 years ago? I went again today, not because I want to or anything. I had to because one of my front teeth is going backwards. I thought hey I'm old enough to do this alone.
Har. Har. Har. Joke's on me right?
It was scary. Never have I ever felt so vulnerable and child-like. Sitting under the bright lights with the dentist staring into my teeth as though he's staring right through my soul. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, I know. But I'm not being overdramatic or anything. I was legit scared. Not like "scared of monsters or ghosts" but like "scared of failing the interview or being told you're not good enough". It was at that point that I realized how much I wanted and needed my mom. Like that kind of parental support yknow? I was wanted it to end. I just wanted to get out. I just wanted to cry.
He was telling me I need surgery and braces and a good cleaning and retainer and it costs like 4.5k and all this mambo jambo. To say I was overwhelmed and intimidated would be a major understament. The consultation was like 10-15mins? But it felt like a lifetime.
My next appointment is end of next month. I am not looking forward to it at all.
We all have different fears. Mine happens to be something so casual and stupid like ordering food or going to the doctors or dentists. Sigh. Maybe you're right, I am indeed childish.
& 3:10 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Nothing in my life feels right anymore. I hate my job. I hate that I have no time for anyone. I hate that I have no energy for anyone. My life is so meaningless. I have no goals. No ambitions. Every aspect of my life suck right now. I'm terrible at relationships. I'm terrible at everything. I cannot seem to get anything right. I feel so shitty. So down. So full of insecurities and I have no fucking idea why anyone in the right mind would want me, love me and be with me. I am just batshit crazy most of the times. I am the kind of girl any boy would stay away from. I am nothing like I thought I would be. I bring nothing but unhappiness and misery in people's lives. Including my own. I just suck. I just fucking suck big time. And noone ever tell me otherwise because its true. I just suck.
& 12:03 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Insults.
All my life I face people making fun of my hair or my face. Most of the time, these people are my friends. They call me names. Mop hair. Michael Jackson. Rat's nest. Afro. Black. Hobo. Slums. Most times, I play along. Oh you call me ugly? I'll show you ugly. *starts doing funny ugly faces*. Look, I probably brought this upon myself. I never once stood up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. ITS NO LONGER FUNNY." I never once stopped them and tell them straightaway that no, I am not from the slums. Please stop saying that. Instead I played along. Laugh it off. Oh haahahahahaahha so funny you.
If you can't beat them, join them right?
Truth is, sometimes, it really does hurt. I know they probably don't even know that sometimes, I sit and I ponder
and I cry. Am I really that ugly? Like why are my friends so mean to me? Why do they insult
me like that? Do they not know that those are my insecurities? Do they not feel bad for saying such mean things to me? Is it because I do the same to them? Am I this mean when I "jokingly" make fun of some of my friends? I probably am. If not, why would they do that to me?
What goes around comes back around.
I know they love me. I know they don't mean to be mean. So do I.
& 10:08 PM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Monday, May 12, 2014
Today marks the day I stop giving a shit. For so long I live my life "treating others the way I want to be treated". And it has brought me nothing but disappointment and hurt. So from today I shall treat others the way they treat me. Time to step up and care for me. Cause noone else is gonna goddamn think of me before themselves. What a selfish world we live in. And the only way to survive is to be selfish and self-centered right back.
& 10:52 AM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I find myself resenting every single time I have to do this. Every single time I feel lost, having to figure out what to do next, how to do it etc, I feel this bitterness just come crashing in. The level of stress shoots up along with my patience and ultimately, resentment. I hate having a bitter taste in my mouth but I can't help it. I hate it. I hate this. It's really times like these that I just feel like drafting that final letter and leaving this miserable place & never looking. Never going making the same mistake ever again.
& 11:07 AM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps
Monday, July 8, 2013
When things are bad, I sit and ponder. I think of the future. Will it get better? Will this end? Will I be happy?
When things are good, like so so good, I sit and wonder too. I think of the future. Will it still be this good? Will this end? Will I still be this happy?
I just want to know how this plays out. I want to know that we are all happy in the end. That everything worked out just fine. That we're all still together. That there isn't any bitterness.
But the thing about life is, its super mysterious. I don't have a clue. Whatever it is, I just hope we're all still together and we're all just so happy. As happy as I am at this point of my life.
& 8:19 AM
Prince& his 1000 sexy sheeps